The Logic Factory

I entered this for some online competition. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything.


Long before the creation of common sense and the internet it was a lot harder to come across practical solutions. Leading the way in the pioneering field of sense-making was an aspiring logic enthusiast (his real aspirations were never fully revealed) and Physics graduate of the Great College in the Sky; Harry Soundford.
Harry led a double life, by day he had been a modest student in the sky, surviving on super-noodles and cheap lager. But by night he made his way down to the ground and toured the nearby town's club scene as the most risqué male escort ever to walk on both air and ground respectively. By which I mean he worked the night shift at the local supermarket.

But that was all put behind him when he took up the position of Senior Logic and Knowledge Research and Discovery Professor at his own government funded (this term was but a technicality, but the rumours that he had burgled all the houses of the governors were never proven) Institute of Absolute Logic.
Within days the institute had exponentially increased humanity's capacity for practical and easily applicable knowledge of solutions to daily problems. Problems such as why boiling water was so hot and what exactly was so wrong with treason. However it was only upon the visit of the Inspector of Institute Credibility that quite possibly the greatest discovery was made.

Inspector Ian Irk stepped across the threshold and landed upon a red doormat.
“I say, Professor” he addressed Soundford with an entirely confused tone “What is this I am standing upon presently?”
“That, Mr. Irk, is a doormat” he answered with a face which could only be more smug if it were a ferret. He waited for the inevitable question which would allow him to stroke his ego to such an extent that its fur would become stuck down.
“What does it do?” there it was. There was the question. Following it was a warm and fuzzy feeling Harry hadn't felt since he had tipped a waiter with a five-pence piece. Harry was easily pleased. He was also a cheapskate.
“It captures the dirt from the soles of your shoes so that it doesn't dirty the floor” he responded, not trying in the slightest to hide his joy as Ian's mouth gaped in awe.

After a laborious and slightly tedious walk around the reception hall, Harry led his visitor down to the research labs. They walked through pristine white corridors, passing panoramic viewing windows showing the researchers in white coats going about their research.

“Here we are experimenting with urine” Harry gestured to a white-coat-clad man considering a number of beakers and containers.
“What exactly is he doing?” asked Ian asked, brushing greying eyebrows out of his eyes.
“He is finding which container would be optimum for storing the urine, so that he can research more efficiently”
“Ah, I see” his last word trailed off dreamily as he fondled his grey beard. Behind the researcher was a blackboard completely littered with notes and equations referring to various research and throwaway ideas. Harry squinted to view it more clearly before pushing the button next to the window, activating the intercom.

“Urine is yellow, Barry” the professor's voice echoed through the room, causing the researcher to dart a look upward and then to the board. He went to it, taking some chalk from his pocket. An equation on the corner of the board read 'Urine = Green'. Barry drew a diagonal line through the equals sign and returned to work.

“Well, Professor, I am very impressed with what I have seen today. I think I can safely say that this institute has proved beyond doubt its own credibility and there is no possibility of its forced closure” Ian smiled.
Later that week, the institute was handed its order of forced closure, destroying all of the world's logic and creating the positively insane world we live in presently. In my opinion, if the birds had just flown east for the winter instead of south, I don't think any of this would have worked out quite so badly. But if you have any ideas for practical systems of logic, Blue Peter would like to hear from you.