The Issue

Now you get to view an essay in the style of a lecture. Or something, I don't know.

This issue has been around for too long. In 1996 I went to dinner with a certain politician who would later on turn out to be dead. After a series of conversational exchange with the waitress and an awkward moment as she adjusted her blouse, noticing that we had both took a peak at her breasts, I asked him.
“My friend” I said with curiosity “How can you explain this issue” and the words he said would stick with me to this very day.
“Good chum” he replied with a confident knowledgeable stride “If I knew that, I'd be a millionaire”
And that really summed up the issue well. The solution was and is, to this day, unknown. And how could anyone know of it? The issue itself is so obscure and little known that nobody has been able to ponder it long enough. But that is hardly an excuse, of course, we just haven't met anyone who has. And why? Because the funding my research institute (Think inc.) and that of any other establishment, government-owned or otherwise, has not been substantial enough to even begin to think about doing so.
This is a real problem and one which only perpetuates the issue in question. Since the economic downturn in recent years, all research laboratories have been hit hard, both in the wallet and workforce. This all adds up to one swift kick in the genitalia of this limb of the economy.
After my politician friend had finished his third beer, he turned to me, his eyes dancing in all directions as if he were about to vomit. But he did not. Right away, anyway. He told me “Look, I know you do a great job, I've seen you work, you're like a gazelle being ridden by an obese child from southern England. But the point I'm getting at isn't that the government is terrible. It's that everyone who ever existed is terrible” As I sat with a piece of steak suspended a few inches from my mouth, my mind was blown. Then he vomited everywhere. And I mean everywhere, which only impressed me further.
But I realised he was right. The blame for this issue cannot be placed so easily because there is no direct culprit. People, in general, are evil. This kept me awake for days on end. Soon I began foraging for food in my own garden, because it seemed to me to be easier than finding a shop. And as I was about to eat a squashed snail I realised that I needed to research the issue.
The library was less than helpful. The records of evil activity in mankind only went back around two years and they charged me for the privilege of even looking at those. It was then that I realised I had become a victim of evil behaviour. The fact that I had been charged by someone who didn't even work there was just a coincidence.
The earliest entry in the records was dated January 5th 1994 and explained that upon this day the library had chosen to keep a record of evil actions. There were no more entries for that year.
“Bullshit” said I, loud enough to be shushed. But then it hit me, after I got up I rubbed the lump on my head, kicked the child away and had a thought. The reason for the lack of recording of evil could be for one of three reasons. One: nothing evil happened that year. Two: the owners of the library or someone else had removed the records that were there. Or Three: the library staff simply hadn't registered any act as evil. I felt that the third was most likely.
Outside the library was a sandpit in which the children made poor quality castles and such. I lifted out the children, picked up a stick and drew a series of diagrams. After a few minutes of doodling a parent approached my, inquiring as to why I had removed her child from the pit, thereby causing it to cry.
“Madame” I addressed her, not looking up from my work “I am conducting research. It is my job, you know. Not all of us can make money from the pubic tax” at this point she gave up and took her child home. Without any more interruptions from the people around me who had either contracted a mental illness, had a career in economics or had had a sufficient amount of sleep, contrary to myself, I was able to make a significant amount of progress. So much so that I had drawn a summoning circle, causing Satan to appear to me. It was Halle Berry.
“Keep searching” she commanded, waking me from my slumber. Yes, most of the outing had been a dream, but it had still inspired me to continue my research. And I didn't want to anger Miss. Berry, of course, I had seen what she did to those who disobeyed her. I was there the night she brought judgement upon The Men in Black. It was not pretty.
Keen though I was to continue the search, I had met a dead end. With no-one and nowhere else to turn to, I visited the emperor of Japan.
“Mr. Emperor” I implored of him after explaining my predicament to him “Please impart your wisdom upon me” a few minutes past before he answered me. It was a relief when he finally did, I had thought he was dead.
“Kawaii desu” he had said, blowing my mind once more. Then he vomited, causing a fire to break out. The roaring of the ceiling collapsing blocked out the sound of the screams which ensued, though the approving laughter of Halle Berry was thumping through my ears like a heartbeat.
I continued to wonder why such extraordinary yet oh-so-terrible things continued to happen to me. I put it down to misfortune. And the opium. But drug-fuelled experience or not, I had at least found a clear definition of what I was looking for; the beginning of evil. It was because of this that I went to America.
America, as I soon found, was entirely dissimilar to the country that had been portrayed in the media and Back to the Future. For one thing, there was no time-travel yet. The source of the world's research funding and they hadn't been able to create a true flux capacitor yet? I was outraged. So outraged that I decided to stay awake for five days straight. This brought me to a 'coffee house' in the backstreet of some city.
I was downtrodden. It was now three months since my politician friend had told me what I needed to hear and I was no closer to the answer of the issue than anyone was. Since I only had a week to live according to the newspaper I was reading, I knew I had to act fast. Even more so, I mean.
In the coffee house was the weekly meeting of the local blood cult, The Seven Red Knives, who told me I was in the wrong place. They changed their tone as I showed them the revolvers I had installed into my fingers. They showed me the origin of their cult, an ancient scroll stuck to the ceiling of a 'basement' in a house in Detroit. As I removed it and wiped its dust away, it revealed a number. That number was 2055.
That's right, I had found the origin of evil. It was the future. At some point in less than a century from the day I found the scroll, evil would be created in order to be sent back in time to the beginning of Earth so that it could be possessed by humans when they came to be.
A tear was brought to my eye, I would be and am now able to die in peace. My politician friend had been right, there was no solution to the issue because it wouldn't be brought about until the introduction of evil in the future.
Unfortunately the scroll that proves this, as well as the cult it belonged to have now been eradicated from existence, not that it matter of course because the scroll will be created a little while after the creation of evil.
As for me, I died. But thanks to my own bond connecting me to both the scroll and Halle Berry, I was brought back to life and sent back in time with evil. It was myself who was my politician friend. I have served my use, I think it is safe to say.
So, in conclusion. The issue? There is no solution. Yet. Just wait a while. And give me some more research funding, damn it!