Zed in Paradise 3

Within his left hand rested the Earth in all it's meek and terribly flawed glory, in his other raged a supermassive black hole. With a voice that transcended sound he called upon humanity with divine glory.

“Humans” he bellowed “Your bland monotony is as such that it demands applause, however, unless you wish for me to clap my hands, I suggest that you do something interesting” he laughed the laugh of a god, causing the heads of priests all over the globe to explode.

“Quick!” shouted the current president who had no face so you could glue the face of anyone you'd like onto it. “Do something!” and the rest of humanity awkwardly shuffled about, too pressured to actually think of something. Their blank minds were clouded with so much fog that not even a thousand lighthouses could light the way.

But then another was lit, and with one thousand and one lighthouses people could see a lot clearer. This lighthouse came in the form of a cat, whom summoned all its energy and shouted a loud grunt.

“Grunt?” said a man in an unspecified and not so important part of the world “That's it!” and with that he pretended to be a monkey.

“No!” shouted a woman, vapourising the man with a copious amount of electric tenacity. She got down on all fours and pretended to be an elephant.

“Of course!” said a third man to her immediate right, whose words had slipped out more than they had been said, his fear towards this insanely powerful woman was so staggering that giraffes half the planet away were falling over “Let's all be elephants!” he stuttered, causing the majority of humans to do the same. By which I mean pretend to be an elephant, not exclaim that they should all do so.

“I'll provide the elephant noises!” said someone, taking out a harmonica and obliging in a bout of passionate and oh-so musical fury. All humans refusing to take example were terminated in the most painful way possible. Well, second most painful if you are counting the dreadful Soul-Rack, but as usual we are not doing so because of the whole grey area that a soul lies in between existence and fruit-flavoured. If you know what I mean. And if you don't then shut up.

Zed ceased laughing and instead watched intently as humanity grouped together and protected each other from damnation by pretending to become elephants. Worldwide unity had been achieved, and it was a glorious sight. A tear ran down the god's cheek and Zed returned to his human form, never to return to godhood, or at least, that's what he thought.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, when Zed had returned to his original human self, the black hole he had been holding as a god had not disappeared and sucked up their lovely planet.

“Whoops” said Zed, for that was all that needed to be said.

Now, occasionally (I speak from experience) when one enters a black hole, one is transported to another place in or out of the universe so that one can indulge in antics of a science-fiction nature. This was not the case in this particular event. The Earth fell victim to the most common result of entering a black hole; that of being destroyed.

*

When the humans who had not pretended to become elephants had been annihilated, the overall weight upon the Earth had decreased significantly (many had been sceptical of the effectiveness of the elephant impression and there was no room for such a concept in the world of Zed's), which turned out to be a great advantage as the planet was forced over the cliff of life.

The cliff of life is arguably the best system in place for dealing with the dead. Basically the idea behind it is that every living thing must jump off a cliff after they die. Wait, I'm not finished. At the bottom of the cliff is a portal leading to whatever comes next, which randomly switches between millions of possible worlds and afterlives. Had the Earth been a few million people heavier, then it would have landed in The World of Masochism, a dreadful land filled with needles, broken glass and disease-infected blood. But thanks to it's inferior weight in landed in the portal at the millisecond it had changed to Gameworld.

The Earth landed with a thump on hard ground, this was a strange sensation to all people involved, humans were so used to the Earth moving by now that the feeling of suddenly stopping was enough to churn their stomachs. And it did so. Five minutes of vomiting later (seriously, their was so much vomit that that description doesn't quite get across just how much was coming out of their mouths. This was five minutes of continuous regurgitation, not a night over the toilet seat's worth of drunken babbling between short spurts. Records regarding vomiting speed were smashed into dirt, but unfortunately all the world record representatives were too busy puking to acknowledge this. It was a shame, really) they were ready to get moving.

Upon the clicking of the fingers of a giant person standing over the planet, The Earth's inhabitants grew to a similar size, easily crushing the planet under their now comparatively gigantic feet. This traumatised a surprisingly small amount of people, these were immediately assimilated and, it goes without saying, were brutally and bloodily murdered.